i was down and confused. i didn't know what to do. i was lost. i felt alone. i was pathetic. no one could help me. no one seem to understand. i, myself don't understand. i thought i would just remain in that shithole until........

anton called!!! anton is on of the so-called alabang boys. i met him through stella and sandra. he a party person. he is a good friend. it had been a long time since we've talked. but he called. and he was big help!!!

oh my gosh. he like made things so clear. he explained how i was actually in a funny situation. im in a usual guy situation. ang arte kasi nung leche e!

hahaha thanks anton!!!

finals week is next week. i don't have any problems with any requirements coz i did everything na and i have all that under control. but i'm really having a hard time with the fact that i have to take final exams.

i dont like the grades i have as of now. a C in math, a very very very low C in math.. a C+ in Chem, not exactly low but still low... i feel like a failure.. im scraed that i may not make good grades. normally i wouldn't care but hey, this is the last four years in my life where grades would matter much.

hay nakoh!!!! help!!!! i don't want to fail math!!!! i want atleast a C+ in math and a respectable B or better B+ in Chem. i just wish to have grades like B, B+, and A in my pe, englich, lit, and fil...

man that was the most confusing but clearly sad and heartbreaking part of my day

once i got to g4 i called him up and asked him where he was na that moment. he sounded pissed off and he told me he's n a cab na going home cause he got impatient. at first i wanted to shout at him on the phone and slap onto his face the fact that i wait for him when he asks me too and i waited longer minutes than he has. but i calmed myself an told him na i'm in the mall na.. he didn't answer and just before i was cut off heard him say "manong balik tayo".

just then i felt like a needle was pinned to my heart.. he really was gonna leave me.. then while walking towards the fx line my phone rang an it was him. he aske me where i was and i told him where i was going.. when i got there he was was already there. he didn't smile at me, didn't greet me. he just took hold of my PE bag and portfolio then walked ahead of me towards the fx. he opened the door for me and gestured i get in so did but before getting in i told him i'm sorry..he remained still, cold, not so him.. when we were seated na.. i kept on saying sorry... i didn't take my eyes off him, i didn't stop saying sorry, i didn't care about the other passengers who were nosily observing what's going on between us. then he said.."kala ko ba 330 uwian mo" so i explained what happened.. he was like "i've been waiting for you since 430" and may i just say i came at 6. yes, my fault but not completely my fault alone.

then we were both quiet. he was looking out the window and i was staring at him. there was somethin missing, there wasn't a smile where there used to be one. i went back to my saying sorry and i think he found me really kulit that he said "ok na. it's not your fault it rained, and i really don't have any right to be angry" i wasn't satisfied with what i heard so i made him kulit to smile. he smiled pero sobrang parang blink lang. i wasn't so sure tuloy kung sinabi nya ion just to shut me up or if he really meant it. but since i think he isn't up for anything annoying at the moment i let my doubt pass and just sat there quietly beside him.

inhale. exhale. inhale.exhale. man, with every breath i smell him and damn that guy has one hell of a scent.. issa meaki? i dont really know how to spell it but i think it's something like that. with my breathing i felt like im drowning in him. then while i was still savoring the moment of being just beside him in a not so awkward silence i heard him ask "ok ka lng?" and my immediate response was "ok lang. why?" i was praying he didn't notice me falling in a hypnotic trance because of his scent. thank GOD he asked me that because he thought i was still worrying about him being angry. itold him im just tired and flashed him my im-very-much-ok smile... fine.. yes stella, yes sandra, i was making pa-cute.. HAPPY? hahahaha!!!!

anyway just when i thought nothin will go wrong and we both will finally get home the fx we were riding broke down. it died and wont start anymore. we would've walked but it was raining and it was still a long way. we were in front of DENCIO's. i heard him give a big sigh.. and i can't help feeling guilty once more because if he didn't wait for for me he would've been home already dozing off. but no.... i was such a brat and i insisted he wait for me because i don't want us to break our promise. so we were seated there waiting for a back-up to come to our rescue and finally bring us home.

while waiting i found myself staring at him. he is soooo cute when he's serious. of course he's good-looking to start with but i just found him more appealing with his mataray look. then he asked "bakit?" of course i can't tell him im crushing on him big time so i just smiled and said "nothing". i couldn't take my eyes off of him.. damn, what's happening???? i don't like liking what i don't wanna feel but am feeling...

then there was again silence and he looked me in the eyes and i could read it in his that he really was disappointed and he didn't like what happened.

he din't walk me home tonight and he didn't say a proper goodbye.. can't really blame him. so when i got home i texted him immediately asking once more for forgiveness... we kinda argued pa cause at some point i got quite defensive.

but all is cool now. we're ok. i can't believe that we argued like boyfriend-girlfriend. it was really way too weird... man im confused!!!! i hate being confused!!! but then again i always am!!! i don't know what's happening and the most bothering part of it all is the fact that i don't think i want to know what's going on...

finally im making another entry. it's been quite some time since my last one. i was having some problems with the computer awhile back and it's only cooperating now. anyhoo let's get to my day..shall we?

since it's the 13th day of the month it's very much expected to have a string of bad luck. and yes i had tons of bad luck today. but the thing is from those badlucks sprung great moments. amid the dark and unlucky events rests deep self-realization and an unexpected form of glee. lalim noh?!?! hahahhaha )

this morning i came 12 minutes late for our carpool meeting, good thing my ride for the day was 11 minutes late as well..hehehe.. during the traffic on the way to school a very awkward silence filled the car. normally i wouldn't care but i just can't stand the sound of silence pounding in my ears. i kept turning my ass around where i was seated in the car and i kept looking out the window...and well just when i was about to let go of a big sigh..there he was!!! the man of my dreams, well his car, but him nevertheless. and because i saw him..okay debz i saw HIS car.. i was sure i will be having a great day. imagine that!!! the sight of something related to him in a way or two and i get tingles up my spine!!! damn i'm inlove..or is it obsession? whatever!!!

i got to class and i really wasn't in the mood to play. i ate early lunch as if my mind and body have anticipated my missing lunch at 1130. then i went straight to PE, and though i was sleepy and not as energetic as usual we won and indeed thanks to me.. not all thanks to me but well, thanks to my undeniably beautiful sets. PE was done and time to change to my school clothes..or whatever you call them.. and here comes bad luck #3...the zipper of my pants won't close!!!! i was near to freaking out!!! my following classes are quite intense.. a long test awaits me in chem at 1230.. english classes with cute guys from 1330 to 1530...i can't have my fly open the whole day!!!! i can't go home because home is like miles away...so i had to find other ways. i went to my aunt's place in project 3 borrowed a pair of green army looking jeans and ran off back to school. made it just in time for my LT.

during the wait for doom to come i was trying to get along with the calculator i borrowed from a friend from my volleyball class. i felt like crying when i found out that i am completely clueless and helpless with this piece shit. i can't find -log and there was like 15seconds remaining before the test papers will be distributed. so i gathered up all my guts (did i spell that right? or is it gutts?) and went to the teacher throw in my brightest most distressed and clueless smlie and asked away. i hate asking by the way, i could really be a know-it-all sometimes. but the prof helped me out and im pretty confident i'll pass this test..not only that i know did good...

in english class, pido dido was the first on to greet me with a "hi" and "nice pants, they aren't blue for a change".. i gave him the but i was so kilig he took notice.. then everything was going smooth in terms of the class discussion and my undying optimism for working on my argumentative paper.

in the 10 minute break between english and lit i got me a cup o coffee.. wuth a fairly generous sprinkle of no less than.. crispy, nutritious, oh so yummy RED ANTS!!! i thought.. what a waste of ten pesos..but being the economist that i am.. i decided to rink it anyway.. treat is fear factor thing. my concern about the ants running down my throat wasted around the whole 9 minutes of my break so when the teacher came the cup was still full. i had no choice but to take the coffe in three big gulps.. talk about fear factor event!!! hahahahaha... really lived up to it!!! wehehehehe...

just when i tought my bad luck for the day has been pushed to its limits and has retired..nature played its part. lightnijng, thunder, strong winds and a heavy drizzle finished my afternoon. we were dismissed and i had no idea on how i will o home. hell i didn't even have an idea on how i would get out secA. thank heavens, i saw a fag..ryan was there in fornt of secA208 waiting for chrissy!!! he..no.. IT has an umbrella.. i managed to convince him.. sorry, IT to accompany me na lang to the caf besides baka absent ion. sow e went to the caf and the umbrella was practically mine since i was shielded by it from the rain and ryan wasn't.. then i realized he may be gay but a gentleman still.

i asked my bestest friend since ever if i can hitch a ride with her.. of course her answer was yes. so i rode with her. with krista nga pala.. then she dropped us off at g4.. from g4 i had to run to the SM parking lot where angelo was waiting for me.. we kinda promised each other that we'll be going home together today..

anyway the ride home is for a different entry.. so i got home and well, itr's home you can expect silly arguments, heaps of laughter, to-die-for jokes and good food.

that was today!!!! 13 rulez!!!!!!! hahahahhaa!!!!

well i had a very dramatic night last tuesday. all was very very nasty. it has been a very long time since i cried that hard. and frankly some part of me isn't over what happened. well today everything is really fine and dandy as if none of hose things happened. the house is at peace and everyone's harmoniously getting along. but last last night, oh was it one hell of a night.

i came home very tired and feeling more pressure on my shoulders because of my academic performance. im not entirely happy of my grades. i know i can do better. well i usually do a lot better. it's not that im having a hard time it's the fact that i think i know a lot that i tend to rely on my stock knowledge about things. it's like im so confident that i know almost everything being taught right now that i don't need to study. well, maybe i do know much but to be honest i really need to review. because even if all those information are still in my head i think they are in the far outer bounds and i need to dig them up to remember them completely. plus my teacher's, funny but they seem to expect a lot from me. tiya beni says i write good but she knows i can write better and i can put more heart on my papers, and that she expects to see more A's. mr macahig isn't satisfied with my midterm marks and he tells me that he knows i am an A girl and i should work for the A i clearly deserve. clearly deserve? whatever... my math teacher tells me im confused like i need someone to tell me that. and well, i don't really talk to my english teachers. anyway the midterm marks will be given tomorrow and although i know i got good grades i know i desrve better and i should work harder.

anyway so i was feeling that way and my head has been full of those academic shit when my dad and my sister arrived. they were fighting over my sister's application form for ateneo. if you'll ask me i would say that my papa has a good and reasonable reason to be angry. the next day is the deadline and she hasn't started answering the application form and writing her essay. well, to make the story short my parents told me to help her, i said yes, i got impatient because instead of doing her application she faced the computer, i went upstairs, my mom thought i wasn't gonna help her, she got mad and started nagging. my dad heard the shouting, he got very irritated that the next thing i know everyone was raising his/ her voice. then eventually instead of the anger being channelled to my sister, because it is her fault, they turned to me. telling me how unhelpful i am and how i seem to have forgotten my responsibilities being a big sister. they went on saying that i am selfish and that i don't care about the family because with this simple thing i can't help my sister. but hey...hello!!!! tried to help, was ignored, not my fault.... i started crying hard because i can't take all the shit their feeding me. and then my brother added that i should be sorry that now the family is in a heated argument because of me which is so not true i wasn't the one who started it and the issue isn't about me. anyway i ended up doing my sister's application form and an outline of what she should write in her paper.

when i got to bed my mom wasn;'t finish just yet. she had to dig deeper and start talking about how big of a disappointment i am. really hurt me big time!!!!

if only they know that everything i do is for them. they are my sole inspiration. their happiness is the big goal of the blueprint i drew of my future. i work hard, study hard and try so hard to change myself to a better person all to please them and make them see that i am a very good daughter. i want them to realize that i really am a gift of GOD to them, as it is meant to be. i t hurt me so much to hear my mom say all those words because i've seen me grow, mature and become more grown-up. from my rebellious self i turned into the marielle they pictured me to be. i know i changed and i am a better person, better than who i was before. but they don't know that. i don't know if they ignore the fact that i've developed to a better person or if they choose not to acknowledge the fact that i have.

anyway yesterday i talked to GOD and i discussed with HIM what happened. it made me feel better and it gave me the chance to see where i was wrong and made me realize that i should understand them..besides mood swings increase with age.. so i felt better and i gathered the courage to say my sorry's.

all that done with i had a very good night sleep no thought's of shit just sleep.

today we had no classes and well i had the chance to clean the house and do some reviewing for chemistry. i also am caught up in work on our report for chemistry. im thinking if i should just print our researched material or if we should make our own. anyway, it's just a draft so im thinking the first i mentioned would do...

so anyhoo, i gotta go...til next time.

i woke up today feeling super sleepy. i dragged myself off of the bed keeping in mind that i need to be in starbucks fort by 8:00 and that i need to finish my english paper. i did my daily morning routine then went in front of the computer, typing whatever comes to my head. then once i was able to fill the whole page i printed it without editting, rereading, or the least... checking if i made any sense. once printed i placed the paper in my pink file case, took my bath, put on my clothes, checked my fone for messages and then, read a message from krista that we'll be meeting at 9:30 because the fucking asshole who we woke up early for decided to cancel riding with us at the last minute!!!! talk about a major bummer!!!!! doing everything in hurry for nothing!!!!! i hate that!!!!

but i had no choice but to go with my aunt who leaves the house at 7:30 or else i wouldn't have any means of getting to fort. i went with her to fitness first. exercised. viewed go nuts donuts. bought donuts that i won't eat. then met up with krista at 10:00.

once in ateneo we waited for debby. she came late. ate the donuts with krista. left one which i gave to pat. then off to class. in class, everything was very much ordinary. nothing new. nothing interesting. nada. zilch.

then time to go home. went in cab. got to glorietta. ate in kfc. walked krista to her dentist with miggy. went back to the mall. texted angelo who is sick. waited for him so we could go home together. then while waiting, talked to miggy about some stuff over a cup of mocha in McCafe. met up with angelo. got in the starex. went home.

you know what...talking with miggy made me realize some things. that love is really something very complicated and hard to explain. ok i'll be rattling about love for tonight...but i guess you can bare with me.

im 17 and well had loved, had been loved back, but now am loveless. not entirely loveless but im taking time-out from the game. so i really don't get how i have this certain knowledge about love stuff. people go to me for advices and surprisingly i give them good ones that actually work and make things easier on them it's been a complete mystery to me how i could just listen to them then come up with a very good explanation of things then tell them what i think is a good thing to do. funny how iseem to be a love guru that girls and boys alike go to me and tell me about their heart problems. some people i talk to tell me that i would make the perfect girlfriend and the most stable and ideal relationship....but have any of them heard what happened to my first? i tell them..try to tell them but they just don't believe it...but it's TRUE!!!!!

I AM A MAJOR SCREW UP WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE!!!!!

you see i fall for those impossible guys..those who just don't see me the way i see them and hell never would. then i have this special ability of making guys think that im so into them even if im not. as if my being sweet and friendly is a signal saying..."hey i wanna be your girlfriend!!". i cannot believe this!!!!

plus i get scared at the thought of being committed to someone.. i think andrew knows that..two months and i wasn't able to stomach it. its not him not that im not prepared or ready for a relationship but that i get really uneasy carrying a tag saying im taken. no its not because i flirt a lot or i have someone else but i just can't take the risk of eventually hurting myself. you know what they say "the first cut is always the deepest" and being his girlfriend is handing him the knife that would make that cut. with that in mind i decided im not up for it and that i don't want to be scarred just yet. so i ended up cutting him..deep..deeper than i expected..somehow he thought i was the one but i am not, never was, and perhaps, never will be.. im still sorry though...

and now i have angelo...well we're not together and theere's nothing really to worry about because we're good friends and we are JUST FRIENDS. but im getting very nervous.. well people think that we have something there...and maybe he'll see it eventually but i don't .. i wont.. i choose not to.. i dont want another "andrew experience" im sick of inflicting pain.. i have guys cry in front of me but never really because of me and i don't plan on having any guy do so. see? im a mess... so why do people trust me with their love lives?

im a freaking slayer...a cold merciless slayer... made numb by the horrible feeling of never being appreciated or known by the one im most drawn to... i bring blood suckers to damnation... dust them... deliver their souls to hell... im one hell of a confused girl trying to live in the world of pure confusion... and finally... as always...im talking on and on and on but then again not making any sense at all...